Uncertainty and the Character of God

Have you ever been excited and uncertain at the same time?

It's like that time when you were seventeen, and after three summers of hard work and savings you're finally buying your first used car. The moment you've been waiting for is finally here. You've found the right car and you love everything about it. It's even your favorite color! Sure, it needs some love and attention, but it will be a joy to vacuum the carpet and polish the wheels, and Dad says that he can make that ticking noise in the engine go away. You couldn't be more excited to spend two thousand dollars. But as you slowly hand over the jar of cash (the one that you've been hiding in your closet for as long as you can remember) you get a sinking feeling in your gut and a thousand thoughts instantly fill your mind. Is this a good investment? What if the car has serious problems? Maybe there's a better deal somewhere else.

Maybe you're moving away to college. Maybe you just signed the papers for the mortgage on a new house. Perhaps you just now found out that your wife is pregnant. Amidst great joy can also be great uncertainty, fear, impatience, or doubt.

I recently heard a pastor explain it like this in a prophetic word:

"You've just arrived at the base of a mountain and there's a fog that surrounds all that you can see right now. Eventually you will climb high enough to be past the fog, and you will clearly see the prize waiting at the top of the mountain. But until then, God wants you to know he loves you and is faithful to guide you."

For this season of life, I need that word. If you read my last blog post you'll know how I came to the decision to leave my family, my home, and my church to join a church plant in the city. When I wrote that post, I was far enough away from the mountain to see the bigger picture. In time, I will be far enough up the mountain to know what made it all worth the journey. But for now... I'm in the thick of the fog.

Tomorrow is my first Sunday to join the church plant team. I know very little about the people here, yet they will soon be the only source of weekly fellowship for me. After eight years of being in the same place, I'm used to the same routine every Sunday morning. Tomorrow all that will change. I'll even be serving in ways I've never served before. I really just don't know what tomorrow holds. The whole idea is as ambiguous as it is intriguing.

In almost every case the fog of uncertainty brings anxiety. Sometimes it brings a fearful anxiety... the kind that I'm very familiar with. Other times it brings an impatient anxiety. This is the one I'm struggling with now. I'm not overly fearful. My soul is not bereft. I just can't see as well as I used to, and I'm growing impatient for the things to come.

No one has been so influential in my anxiety battles over the years as John Piper. His insights always shed light on the darkest corners of my heart and redirect me to God, who is glorified with us being content and satisfied in him. His book "Battling Unbelief" has helped me immensely, and I highly recommend it. This is what he says about the root of anxiety:

"...Jesus says [in Matthew 6:30] that the root of anxiety is inadequate faith in our Father's future grace... [it] is a failure to trust all that God has promised to be for us in Jesus." 

He also says regarding impatience:

"It's what we begin to feel when we start to doubt the wisdom of God's timing or the goodness of God's guidance."

The wisdom, the goodness, and the grace of God. Does he really have to prove it to us again as he has done so many times? Yet, at the first sight of fog, how quick we are to doubt all of him. He has not changed. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Oh, for grace to trust him in every season!

By grace I can say that God is building faith in me. In the past two weeks, God has shown me his particular love for me, revealed in his saving work on the cross. He has also amazed me by the wisdom of his will and the goodness of his guidance. I may be uncertain of the days ahead, but I've never been more certain of his character. I don't despise the fog if he would use it to bring me closer to him.

Times of uncertainty can lead to doubt. However, they can also be wonderful opportunities that build faith in us. If you are listening, he is faithful to teach. He wishes that we waste no season of life, but bring him glory in every station. If he has proven his perfect character in times past, can't we trust that he will prove it in the future?

The Journey to Redemption Hill

It was probably around two years ago when I became interested in church planting. Up until that point I  wouldn't have dreamed of leaving Lifegate Church. As I heard the news of new Sovereign Grace churches being planted one-by-one, I began to ask myself if I could ever see myself being part of a church plant team. Later I began to pray about it, and after some time it became a real desire... a dream, if you will. So just like every other dream, I gave it a timeline. "Perhaps when I'm married" I told myself. "And perhaps somewhere nice... like New Zealand or Australia"

I am a visionary person. Right now I could tell you every major life event that will happen to me for the next ten years... according to me, anyway. But nothing ever seems to go as planned. It causes me to think about this verse in Proverbs:

The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

This is the story of how God led me to join a church plant. This is my journey to Redemption Hill.

A forced change in occupation, September of 2012, caused me to re-prioritize my life. All that I knew for sure was that God was calling me to serve the local Church and that building my career wasn't as important as I thought it was. I began to work in my family's business taking time off when needed to work at Lifegate. As business slowly increased, I began to work in Austin and eventually signed a lease on an apartment in Round Rock so that I could work five days a week in the city.    

One day as we met for lunch, Pastor Josh told me the exciting news about a team from the Phoenix area led by Jon Payne, that planned to plant a church in the Austin area sometime in 2013. Apparently, Sovereign Grace had not yet made the news public, so he made me promise to keep my mouth shut about it for a couple of months. During that time we both grew in anticipation and waited eagerly for any morsel of news concerning the new church plant. 

I had met Jon Payne several times over the years at conferences, and really looked up to him as a very accomplished pianist, songwriter, and preacher. Jon had also served as a sort of "regional worship leader" providing help and resources to the worship teams in his region of churches.

After the news had gone public and most of the church plant families had made the move from Arizona to Texas, people from my church began to ask if I was going to leave Lifegate and Join the new church plant. People that I don't even talk to were asking me this. At first I was quick to answer. My responsibilities at Lifegate were increasing, I was beginning to step up as a congregational worship leader, and I was comfortable there. I would quickly answer them "NO! I'm called to serve here". But as each week passed it became harder and harder to answer that question. The work demand in Austin had doubled, and I became weary of the hour and a half drive home every week.

One Sunday morning, a friend took me aside and said "Let's look at this logically. God has already provided work for you in the Austin area. He's provided a place for you to stay in Round Rock, minutes away from the church plant. He's given you gifts and talents which you can use to serve a new and growing church. And because of the distance, you're spending a lot of money and time to drive back to Seguin every weekend". 

   "You're right" I told him. "But I can't make a decision based on logic". 

   "Okay. Then maybe maybe God's just calling you to a greater level of sacrifice as you serve Lifegate" he responded. But something deep inside told me that this was not so.

This is when God began to call me away from Lifegate. I wasn't ready. I had once dreamed of joining a church plant team, but my dream was coming true too quickly. I had started new projects in the music ministry at Lifegate. And for the first time, I had led the congregation in song on a Sunday morning. I loved the people at Lifegate, I loved my pastors at Lifegate, and I loved my duties at Lifegate... Perhaps I loved my duties too much. God began to cause me to think about not being at Lifegate. And as I was honest with myself, I began to see areas of pride in my life. 

I had been at Lifegate for eight years. I had been serving in the music ministry for six. And over the years, I had grown comfortable with where I was serving. I had also gotten to the point where I couldn't see God's ministry at Lifegate at work without me. God, in his kindness, was showing me where I was wrong. He used a dear friend to communicate this to me in a very humbling way. "We would really miss you if you left. But God was working in Lifegate before you came here, and he'll continue to work in Lifegate if you leave. You see, he doesn't need you". From that day forward I knew that I couldn't stay where I was nor go somewhere else with the presumption that I was needed by God. I was now open to the possibility of leaving Lifegate.

Shortly thereafter, I attended an interest meeting/picnic for the new church plant. Around forty people were there. I met those families who had been called to leave their church, their job, their house, to go to Austin and build something out of nothing. I could feel the faith and joy as I spoke with each member. Some people had not found a house, and some were still looking for jobs. However, the faith and joy was no less evident. As families ate, played, and laughed together, I watched from the outside and witnessed a miracle... the birth of a new church. By this time they had already settled on a name. They were calling themselves "Redemption Hill Church".

A few days later I met Jon Payne at a coffee shop in downtown Round Rock. He knew very little about me, and nothing about my interest in church planting. I started to tell my story. I think that I talked for thirty minutes straight without letting him get a word in edgewise. When I finally ran out of air, he told me of his desire for a close partnership between Redemption Hill and other Sovereign Grace churches in Texas. He told me that he had prayed for a long time that people from other Texas churches would join his team. We talked some more and then he prayed with me. I felt as if I had spent the last four months avoiding a question that was all but answered in one hour over coffee.

By the end of the weekend there was no doubt in my mind that God was calling me to this. Everyone at Lifegate that I had spoken to helped to confirm this calling. The pastors and worship leaders were very supportive of this decision as were my parents. There was such a peace of mind that came from knowing that this was the will of God.

As I began to tie up loose ends at Lifegate, the Pastors and I thought about ways to corporately announce my leaving. The story of Barnabas and Saul kept coming to mind:

While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.” Then after fasting and praying they laid their hands on them and sent them off. (Acts 13:2-3)

By no means would I assume that I am anything like Barnabas or Saul. They had great spiritual maturity, I don't. They had years of rich ministry experience. Me, not so much. But what's interesting to see is that they didn't leave. They were sent. Their church participated in the mission that God called them to by affirming the call and sending them out. It seemed evident that this was the way to send me out. I was so honored last week as Lifegate responded in agreement to send me out while Joshua Lee and Joshua Jordan, my two very best friends, prayed for me. 

To calculate the significance of that moment, I would have to take you back to when I first started attending Lifegate eight years ago. You would have to add up all of the times over the years that someone prayed for me, gently corrected me, taught me the Bible, or just taught by example. Then you would have to multiply that number by one hundred for anyone who showed me patience, kindness, or love during those years. The number is in incalculable! Lifegate has been everything to me. It's where I became a christian. It's where I've learned everything that I know now about God and the Bible. Leaving this place has not been easy. 

I am so grateful for the relationships that I have had in Lifegate. They have been a crucial part of the foundation of my faith. Without this influence, I would have never been interested in church planting, or missions, or the Gospel at all for that matter! As I make the transition from one church to another, I like to think of myself as an investment. Any fruit in my life, however great or small, is the result of a seed that was planted by one of you at some point. 

   I can remember the first time that I ever really heard the term "church plant". One of our pastors was preaching about it on a Sunday morning. We continued to talk about it later that week during care group. It was other people's passion for church planting that caused me to be passionate about it as well. And so it is with most things that I am passionate about. You have made me who I am in Christ! Thank you! 

Those that I have gotten to know from the church plant team have been so encouraging to me. I can't wait to start serving with these people. I can't quite see everything that the future holds but I couldn't be more excited to start a new season of life.

INFORMATION:

Lifegate Church is located in Seguin, Texas. You can visit their website at: www.lifegateseguin.com

Redemption Hill Church is scheduled to kickoff September 15th, 2013. For more information, please visit: www.rhchurch.com

Lifegate Church and Redemption Hill Church are affiliated through Sovereign Grace Ministries, a ministry committed to planting churches, training pastors, and providing resources to the local church. Learn more about Sovereign Grace here: http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org

Jon Payne authors a blog where you can learn more about him and his calling to church planting. Visit it here: http://www.gospelsight.blogspot.com